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dead or alive

My daughter Ivy and I were talking about my feeling that I'm getting better, that I'm not ill, that I'm doing well  And all of that is true but also true is that I have a terminal illness for which the prognosis is very discouraging; 8% are alive after 5 years.  Not the best odds. Her explanation is this; my body-mind, for lack of a better word, cannot know beyond what it knows in this moment. I feel good. I feel well. My rational mind which knows all the other stuff cannot overcome the information coming from my body-mind.  Impossible. Perception is everything. This process of having a terminal illness is very instructive for those not in such a place if they choose to see. It is vitally important to give oneself an opportunity to just be in the experience of the moment.  And since that is overwhelming of reason - it should be the best possible experience. There is a reason to follow your passion and live a life fully committed. It is that this experience is...
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dreams

I awoke knowing it was 5:30 in the morning.  There was faint light in the sky and I felt rested. I was ready to have my tea and begin a day of writing.  I rang the bell to have the LNA turn on the lights, for I need help with the simplest things. "what are you doing up?" she asked. "It's 530 my usual time." I responded. "No, its 130." she explained. I didn't, couldn't,  believe her. But she was right. somehow my internal clock was on another time zone. So I had a snack and tried to go back to sleep but inside I was done with that. Now it's 330 and all attempts have failed. Cancer does funny things to the mind/body. May as well go with it and start writing.
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cranky

I got cranky, For the first time since I've been here I was mean spirited.  It felt terrible.  Maybe it was the eclipse, maybe the full moon, the humidity, or the supper choices; or a combination, but for 15 minutes I wasted my life and time bitching. I regret that. I know that there is no moment but this one.I know joy and love are waiting to fill each one. But I learn once again I am not completely changed. I still have the same issues as before cancer became my companion. It's oddly comforting And completely a waste of life and time.
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letting go

I miss my life. Not the big things like walking and driving a car.  But all the little things, like being able to lean over and  pick up a pen, like going to see the sunset by the lake, like watering plants when they get dry.  And I miss them each one. I guess this is the "letting go." It is more of a process than an event. I find that is true of many things in my life, now and before I was sick. So I am letting go as best I can. Sometimes I cry, sometimes not.
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My life is a hoot

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Lying in my hospital bed, soberly wearing my black eye mask for best sleep, when TWANG-BANG; big guitar solo! Joe Walsh was closing out the Colbert show with a rockin "Life is Good."   I popped up in my bed, arms dancing with the fine rock and roll. He did two incredible solos. and basically rocked me into joy.   Then it was over and the nurses showed up to care for me and dispense meds. My one o'clock routine. We shared some laughs, my story of waking up feeling like I was at the Hard Rock, and a little space in the dark of night. My life is fun. I might not be able to get out of bed without a lot of assistance; but nevertheless it is a complete hoot sometimes. I'm alive and grateful. 
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cancer is a hard companion

The simple act of going to the bathroom is taken by cancer.   Taking heavy pain killers  makes that simple, ordinary act an issue. I tried to control it. No chance. The deep underlying issue is I am terminally ill. I continue to try to deny that even though I can barely turn in my bed. Tonight after waking 3 times in pain and distress I was forced to face it once again. It makes me so sad. Sad and angry. I want to get well. But I will never will. It is hard to accept because I feel so alive. It is hard to know my helplessness. But I am alive right now. I am able to appreciate every breath of air, every moment, every carrot and strawberry. I am able to live right now fully. Yes, angry; but also grateful with each breath. Cancer is a hard companion.  
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July 21 - don't make me accept the truth

The simple act of going to the bathroom easily and comfortable, and yes naturally; disappears under drug therapy. I thought I could fix that so my life would be "normal"again. I can't. I am reminded again that I'm not "normal".  I have a terminal illness. I held onto denial even though I can barely turn over in the bed. Tonight, after waking 3 times in distress and pain I  am forced to accept it. It makes me sad and angry. I want to get well. I will never get well. That is not one of my options. I hate being forced to know the truth.  And to to be helpless to change. I'm never going to get well. But I can live each day, each moment, with as much joy and awareness as possible. I am alone on this path and having a wonderful life. In this moment, though angry, I am also grateful. cancer is a hard companion.  '
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